choices

It has been an exciting week around here.  I went to my 3 hour glucose test, which, wasn't awesome.  I survived, but I didn't enjoy it.  Things sort of went downhill yesterday when my results came back.  As I expected, I do indeed have gestational diabetes.  I have to watch my carb & sugar intake, as well as make sure I get enough proteins to balance the carbs.  I will also get a glucometer, to check my blood sugars 4x a day.  Nothing I can't handle (after all, I have been following a similar diet for years anyway) even if I am not excited about the finger pokes.  What I didn't expect to come with that, was being slapped with the 'high risk' badge.  Which means, no birthing center delivery.  I haven't even gotten to tour the place, and already it's not an option.  it also puts me at a higher risk for a c-section - although not a given. 

The real blow came next.  The doctor wanted to discuss my last ultrasound.  The baby looks great, and s/he doesn't appear to be attempting an early exit.  However, the doctor at Maternal Fetal Medicine noticed some blood vessels behind my placenta, and was concerned.  My doctor saw the pictures, and agreed.  It could be a case of  'placenta accreta'.  It is too early to tell for sure, so they are going to send me for another ultrasound in a few weeks.  The waiting sucks to know for sure sucks, as it is very serious.  It is a situation where your placenta implants too deeply into the uterus walls.  When it comes time to deliver, it doesn't detach properly, which can cause serious hemorrhaging and even result in maternal death or a hysterectomy.  yes.  I don't guess you get a second 'high risk' badge.  maybe I add a ribbon to it.  Until yesterday, I was planning an un-medicated vaginal delivery.  I know what to expect with that.  it will hurt like a bitch, and then it will be done and then I will have my baby.  now, there are SO many unknown factors with all of it (how bad?  is it in any organs? will I be able to have more babies?) all I DO know is, if I do have this, I am now in the express lane to 1) an early delivery, which poses risks & complications for baby and 2) a c-section.  which, frankly, scares the ever-loving shit out of me.  the thought of nearly being cut in half is horrifying.  stitches scare me.  what if something goes wrong with anesthesia?  what if they give me the wrong antibiotic and I go into anaphalaxis (I am allergic to all 'cillians')?  what if I have to be put completely under, and what will that do to breast feeding...and on and on.  I am trying not to worry until I know more.  but it is so unbelievably hard.

I am a planner, and I like to decide things myself.  and right now, I feel like all my choices are being taken away.  I don't know how to be ok with it.